friends and pillars. 10/9/25
i love my autistic friends so dearly.
diagnosed or not,
near or far away,
yappers and silent types,
hyper and hypo,
every autistic person i've ever met brings a specific, ephemeral beauty to the spaces they occupy.
the joy, the understanding, the camaraderie, the community,
no one is perfect, but i think autistic people are damn near perfect.
unabashedly themselves. unbrideled love and enthusiasm for small pieces of the world.
books, birds, planes, history, jazz, philosophy, theology, the environment, video games, memes and videos, pop music girlies
the breadth of knowledge, the breadth of love for life.
and sometimes, in the depths of burnout, that enthusiasm fades and i see the joy leave their eyes.
"i remember things used to make me happy? i just can't really remember what right now."
it's in those moments when i love autistic people, my autistic friends, my community, the most.
i don't need you to be perfect all the time. i don't need you to be 'on' for me to love you and care.
i wouldn't want you to if you didn't have it in you.
a friend recently described me as a pillar. i would very much like to be a pillar for the people around me.
i want to be strong and stable for people to lean on.
i want to be committed in my values and beliefs. i want to be the person who is there, unwavering, when someone needs.
and i know there are times were i will falter, and i will not be able to be the pillar i wish i could be.
i'm human, and i'm autistic too, after all.
but when i'm able, and i do hope that i am able, i want to foster autistic joy by every means possible.
beautiful, wonderful autistic reader:
flap your hands.
squeal with joy.
smile so big it doesn't look 'pretty' anymore.
tell me about your special interest until you run out of breath.
pace and fidget and stim and rock and climb and make the world your own.
i want to witness every smile.
i want to hear every word, every laugh.
i want to be there, with you, and experiance your joy.
you deserve to be happy.
maybe your joy can help make the world a happier place over all. it certainly brightens mine.
- xx
demands. 10/8/25
demands are hard to deal with
eat this, drink this,
go here, do this,
answer this email, attend this meeting,
call your mom, see your friends,
go out, stay in,
clean your room, eat healthy,
get some sleep, stay up late,
live a little, pay your bills,
get gas, fill your tires,
take a shower, brush your teeth,
fix this, do this,
do this, do this,
dothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothis
it's exhausting, and it's endless.
i think maybe if i weren't autistic i wouldn't feel so suffocated by demands all the time,
but i am, and i do
i don't think neurotypical people feel existential dread unloading the dishwasher.
but sometimes it's the smallest tasks that are the hardest for me to deal with
sometimes putting away groceries after a long overstimulating day is the thing that absolutely breaks me.
i can't even put the groceries away! what's wrong with me?! the angry voice in my head yells at me.
but when you have a brain like i do, little tasks do take a lot of energy. each little demand requiring a spoon or more that i don't have to spend, or that i would far rather spend on something else.
it wasn't until adulthood that I realized i fit the pathological demand avoidence (pda) profile for autism. it makes a lot of sense for me.
i can do a task just fine when i can make the choice to, but when i feel like i've lost my autonomy in the situation, every fiber of my being deep in my soul shouts, "I DON'T WANT TO!"
sometimes i can push through it.
sometimes i can, but i don't want to.
but then again, there's a special feeling that comes from releasing yourself from the pressure of a demand.
"i see the demand, i acknowledge it, but right now i'm letting myself not care about it."
the thing is, there will always be more demands.
there will always be more dishes to do, more laundry to fold, more books to read, more meals to cook, more cars to clean.
but my sanity is worth more than the billion little insurmountable tasks that my brain convinces me are what's stopping me from being a good person.
being able to keep up with chores does not make you a good person. being able to grocery shop and cook meals for yourself consistantly does not make you a good person.
not struggling does not make you a good person.
but, trying your best, and protecting your peace when you need to, will help you along your way to becoming the person you want to be.
screw the dishes, i'm getting pizza.
- xx
my first blog post! 10/8/25
hello y'all! i'm in the process of getting my blog up and running. this is post 1.0.
having a good day so far, hope you are too!
not much to add right now. check back later for more!