the self-love club. 11/25/25.
i've been going through a bit of a rough patch lately.a wretch, a monster, a good man. 11/16/25.
this post contains spoilers for Frankenstein (2025). read at your own risk.
I just finished watching Del Toro's Frankenstein, and wow, I did not expect it to have the emotional impact on me that it did.
i am chronically disconnected from what's new on streaming services.
right now, the only streaming service I use is Dropout,
so I hadn't even heard that there was was a new Frankenstein adaptation until I was out at drag the other night.
one of the queens mentioned it during her set and said she enjoyed it, and my interest was piqued.
so this evening, I gave it a watch to see what all the fuss is about,
and what I was met with was one of the most moving portrayals of a classic monster I've ever witnessed.
Jacob Elordi was nothing short of absolutely brilliant.
his performance as The Creature was so many things;
terrible and horrifying, childlike and whimsical, heartwrenching, devestating, and completely and utterly captivating.
there was so much depth of character both in the performance, and in the writing of the film.
i would be surprised if it doesn't win awards in both catagories.
intentional or not, this film can clearly be read as a trans allegory, and i would posit, an autistic allegory too.
from the moment the Creature is created, and without his knowledge as to why, everyone HATES him.
something about him is wrong. something about him people despise. they fear him. they don't understand him. they want him dead.
and the Creature spends almost his entire life complete alone, and unsure as to why.
all he knows is Victor. his creator.
the one who brought him here.
the one who made him like this.
the one with the answers.
the one who should love him, but does not.
throughout the film, there were so many small moments of the Creature that deeply resonated with me, on multiple levels.
the way his body and appearance are viewed as grotesque and disturbing. but it's the only body he's ever known.
the belief that his very existence is a mistake. he didn't choose this, and we're reminded of this several times.
being shamed and shunned for struggling with words. something I related to a lot as an autistic person.
others believing he is intrinsically unintellegent, unfeeling, because of who he is.
him eventually believing others. him also beliving that he is a monster.
all of these small pieces add up to a feeling of heartbreaking understanding.
I often feel like a grotesque creature that the world cannot understand.
I too feel like a monster and a mistake sometimes.
but more than that, I resonated with the goodness in the Creature too.
this character had a really interesting concept of self;
throughout the film, the Creature utilizes verbal language not usually as a means to converse wtih others,
but as a way to explore and affirm what he believes to be true about life and his own identity.
again, all very relatable as an autistic trans person.
Even before he has words to speak, even before his world is bigger than just Victor,
The Creature finds small moments of beauty in the world around him to be deeply important.
I see these moments of wonder in myself too.
watching a leaf float down a stream of water with curiosity.
embracing the first fall of snow, in all of its wonder and finity.
connecting with others free of judgement, especially those that do not form connections with others often.
finding a sense of peace with the finality of death, and the seeming endlessness of life.
the small moments of the Creature being treated not as a monster, but as a man, sent me into fits of tears.
at the end of the film, we don't see the Creature happy.
we are left with the understanding that there is a long, hard road ahead for the Creature no matter what happens.
but we do see the Creature experience peace, and we see him release the anger he has held for Victor throughout the film.
we see him warmed by the sunlight.
it may not be a true happy ending,
but it brings both truth and depth to a fantastical tale.
if we are monsters, so be it.
but we are good, and we are most certainly not alone.
- xx
tornado in a bottle. 11/14/25
inside my head, there is a storm brewing.
there are some days where my mind is full of music and light and color and joy. the sun shines. birds sing.
on these days, i love being alone and i don't feel lonely. when the sun shines, i feel peaceful.
i can unmask, i can breathe, i can just be. percieved or not, it makes no difference.
and when things are good, the brilliant light that shines insides me is mirrored on the outside.
i dress in rainbows and gemstones and chatter nonstop. i smile at strangers. i give my friends gifts. i sing and dance and cheer relentlessly.
but some days i wake up and the clouds have come, without a cause known to me.
a blight upon the whole village, my own mind tormenting me from the inside out.
on these days, i lose my voice. i do not speak. my clothes lose their color. dishes pile up. my leaving-the-house-smile is less than convincing.
on cloudy days, when politley asked how i am, i brush off the question and ask about the other person as quickly as i can.
i will do anything to not be the subject of worry from those around me.
please don't care about me. it'll hurt even more when you leave.
these moments spin the dull clouds into funnels.
the internal tornado spins with thoughts that convince me that there is no sun, there never has been, and there never will be again.
in these moments, i want to let the storm consume me. bring on the downpour. i think i deserve it.
it's hard for me to remember that my internal clouds and rainbows aren't actually real,
no one else can see the clouds rolling in.
how can no one see that the winds are ripping my hinges apart?
on the hardest days, all i need is for someone to sit with me in the rain. in the downpour. to tell me the clouds are real, to me, even if they can't see them. to remind me that the sun will come back.
i do my best to whether the storm by myself, but the wind blows hard these days.
i don't need rain, or sun, or clouds, or big sky.
i would settle for partly cloudy and 60° every day if i could.
i don't want the peaks and valleys anymore. i don't need mountain top views of rainbows or submarine depths.
i don't need great, and i don't want terrible.
i think i would be happy with just okay.
i just want to feel normal, consistently.
i don't know that i've ever known normal or consistent. i don't know if that's even possible for me.
but this storm is harsh, and i want to see the sun again.
please let the sun shine again soon, and this time, let the light stay.
- xx
rip sunlight. 11/12/25
over the past few weeks, the sun has been setting sooner and sooner, most days around 5pm.
i'm someone who loves night time, and I can get a lot of work done at night time,
but not like this! not when night time is the moment i get home!
I don't know what to do with myself when it gets dark this early out.
Can't go for a walk, and it's probably too cold out anyway.
I don't want to sit inside and do nothing. Maybe I could do a craft? But no creative energy because no sunlight.
my autistic brain is a finely tuned machine, and external factors getting in the way of my routines really throw me off.
I haven't wanted to hang out with my friends or go anywhere for weeks.
Honestly, i'm just in a total funk right now, and I'm not really sure how to get out of it.
I know things would get better if I really pushed myself. Like, if i forced myself to be social, or to go on outdoor walks, to really try to make the most of every moment,
but honestly, i just don't have it in me right now.
I don't consistantly have the spoons for it.
it feels like the world is falling apart around us, and I'm just trying to get through the day.
i'm thinking it might be a little while before I feel back in my groove, or much like 'myself' again,
and I guess I have to be okay with that for now. there will be a time when the sun really does come back.
it will be spring again one day.
for now, I guess all we can do is try not to wish away the cold before it is even here.
One day, it will be warm again, and we will mourn the cold.
- xx
emo renaissance. 11/4/25
i was introduced to fandom culture in middle school,
when i was having a really hard time socially at school, making friends with my peers.
i was still years away from an autism diagnosis at this point, and i had no idea why it felt like everyone hated me
but i felt very alone, and spent a lot of time alone.
in my free time, i would watch videos from VlogBrothers, JacksGap, Jenna Marbles, famous lesbian Hannah Hart,
eventually I found a channel called Danisnotonfire
Dan was everything that young me wished I could be,
he was clumsy and awkward, but still funny and charismastic,
he was stressed and anxious but he had cool emo hair and wore dark clothes,
he struggled socially and didn't have many friends, but he had a cool British accent and lived in England,
and had a cool very-best-friend/maybe soulmate who hung out with him all the time.
Dan's videos became almost all that i would watch
to my closeted young queer self, Dan's videos represented what i thought life could be like when i was a cool queer adult who could finally be themself
it's ironic to have learned just how closeted and depressed Dan himself was during those videos.
realistically, we were experiancing a lot of the same struggles at the same time.
but for so long, even before he was out publically, for YEARS Dan's videos were a beacon of light for me.
something to hope for.
a promise that things would get better.
that i eventually could be happy and cool and gay and loved.
that if i just keep going, one day I'll meet my forever someone, MY Phil.
flash forward 11 years to October 2025
adult me sees the post.
THE hard launch.
Dan and Phil are in love, and they have been the whole time.
pause.
you mean to tell me,
that my OTP,
my ORIGINAL gay ship from middle school,
after 11 YEARS,
is CANON? REAL?? CONFIRMED IRL??!?
*deep breath*
omg.
Phan. is. Real.
the single most healthy, nerdy, best-friendship on the social internet was actually beautiful queer romantic love the whole time.
i literally never thought i would see the day Phan was confirmed,
but i'm so, SO happy that I did.
all these years later, i'm very thankful to have found the represenation that Dan and Phil provided, especially so early into my queer experience.
i truly couldn't have wished for better internet celebrities to make me gay.
love is real and Phan is proof of it.
if you need me, i'll be tending to my 14 year old inner child by rewatching DnP videos and wearing lots of eyeliner and black clothes.
rawr XD
- xx
madness to middling. 11/2/25
the past few months have been constant busyness. good busy! but so. busy.
starting school, dropping out of school, holiday, celebrating, travel, going out, socializing,
busy busy busy busy busy.
i'm now approaching the first time in my adult life where i can rest.
i can get home from work, and rest.
no school to think about, no tests to take or papers to write or books to read for class.
for now, no plans to travel or events approaching. for the next month and a half, i can rest.
but... what do i do with this newfound free time?
i mean, we're all watching society collapse around us.
i'm watching the degridation of 'democracy' 2 inches from my nose on my phone screen.
the only thing keeping me sane from the outside world is my own internal world.
at home, by myself, i feel most at peace.
me, on my couch, in my nicely decorated home, with all of my sensory considerations right there with me.
engaging in my special interests, taking a load off, and feeling no remorse about it.
these are the moments when i'm happiest.
these are the times when all the noise and anxiety goes away and i can just be.
and i know this shirking of external responsibilities can't be forever.
i know the outside world will eventually need me back.
i certainly don't plan to leave my community high and dry indefinitely.
but the knowing, the rememebering, that i have a space for me, and that this world isn't only gogogogogo
the reminder that moments of calm and presentness can and do still exist.
in the constant GO, sometimes the thing we can do to resist it all the most
is finding moments of peace with ourselves at home by ourselves.
- xx
friends and pillars. 10/9/25
i love my autistic friends so dearly.
diagnosed or not,
near or far away,
yappers and silent types,
hyper and hypo,
every autistic person i've ever met brings a specific, ephemeral beauty to the spaces they occupy.
the joy, the understanding, the camaraderie, the community,
no one is perfect, but i think autistic people are damn near perfect.
unabashedly themselves. unbrideled love and enthusiasm for small pieces of the world.
books, birds, planes, history, jazz, philosophy, theology, the environment, video games, memes and videos, pop music girlies
the breadth of knowledge, the breadth of love for life.
and sometimes, in the depths of burnout, that enthusiasm fades and i see the joy leave their eyes.
"i remember things used to make me happy? i just can't really remember what right now."
it's in those moments when i love autistic people, my autistic friends, my community, the most.
i don't need you to be perfect all the time. i don't need you to be 'on' for me to love you and care.
i wouldn't want you to if you didn't have it in you.
a friend recently described me as a pillar. i would very much like to be a pillar for the people around me.
i want to be strong and stable for people to lean on.
i want to be committed in my values and beliefs. i want to be the person who is there, unwavering, when someone needs.
and i know there are times were i will falter, and i will not be able to be the pillar i wish i could be.
i'm human, and i'm autistic too, after all.
but when i'm able, and i do hope that i am able, i want to foster autistic joy by every means possible.
beautiful, wonderful autistic reader:
flap your hands.
squeal with joy.
smile so big it doesn't look 'pretty' anymore.
tell me about your special interest until you run out of breath.
pace and fidget and stim and rock and climb and make the world your own.
i want to witness every smile.
i want to hear every word, every laugh.
i want to be there, with you, and experience your joy.
you deserve to be happy.
maybe your joy can help make the world a happier place over all. it certainly brightens mine.
- xx
demands. 10/8/25
demands are hard to deal with
eat this, drink this,
go here, do this,
answer this email, attend this meeting,
call your mom, see your friends,
go out, stay in,
clean your room, eat healthy,
get some sleep, stay up late,
live a little, pay your bills,
get gas, fill your tires,
take a shower, brush your teeth,
fix this, do this,
do this, do this,
dothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothis
it's exhausting, and it's endless.
i think maybe if i weren't autistic i wouldn't feel so suffocated by demands all the time,
but i am, and i do
i don't think neurotypical people feel existential dread unloading the dishwasher.
but sometimes it's the smallest tasks that are the hardest for me to deal with
sometimes putting away groceries after a long overstimulating day is the thing that absolutely breaks me.
i can't even put the groceries away! what's wrong with me?! the angry voice in my head yells at me.
but when you have a brain like i do, little tasks do take a lot of energy. each little demand requiring a spoon or more that i don't have to spend, or that i would far rather spend on something else.
it wasn't until adulthood that I realized i fit the pathological demand avoidence (pda) profile for autism. it makes a lot of sense for me.
i can do a task just fine when i can make the choice to, but when i feel like i've lost my autonomy in the situation, every fiber of my being deep in my soul shouts, "I DON'T WANT TO!"
sometimes i can push through it.
sometimes i can, but i don't want to.
but then again, there's a special feeling that comes from releasing yourself from the pressure of a demand.
"i see the demand, i acknowledge it, but right now i'm letting myself not care about it."
the thing is, there will always be more demands.
there will always be more dishes to do, more laundry to fold, more books to read, more meals to cook, more cars to clean.
but my sanity is worth more than the billion little insurmountable tasks that my brain convinces me are what's stopping me from being a good person.
being able to keep up with chores does not make you a good person. being able to grocery shop and cook meals for yourself consistantly does not make you a good person.
not struggling does not make you a good person.
but, trying your best, and protecting your peace when you need to, will help you along your way to becoming the person you want to be.
screw the dishes, i'm getting pizza.
- xx