demands. 10/8/25
demands are hard to deal with
eat this, drink this,
go here, do this,
answer this email, attend this meeting,
call your mom, see your friends,
go out, stay in,
clean your room, eat healthy,
get some sleep, stay up late,
live a little, pay your bills,
get gas, fill your tires,
take a shower, brush your teeth,
fix this, do this,
do this, do this,
dothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothisdothis
it's exhausting, and it's endless.
i think maybe if i weren't autistic i wouldn't feel so suffocated by demands all the time,
but i am, and i do
i don't think neurotypical people feel existential dread unloading the dishwasher.
but sometimes it's the smallest tasks that are the hardest for me to deal with
sometimes putting away groceries after a long overstimulating day is the thing that absolutely breaks me.
i can't even put the groceries away! what's wrong with me?! the angry voice in my head yells at me.
but when you have a brain like i do, little tasks do take a lot of energy. each little demand requiring a spoon or more that i don't have to spend, or that i would far rather spend on something else.
it wasn't until adulthood that I realized i fit the pathological demand avoidence (pda) profile for ASD. it makes a lot of sense for me.
i can do a task just fine when i can make the choice to, but when i feel like i've lost my autonomy in the situation, every fiber of my being deep in my soul shouts, "I DON'T WANT TO!"
sometimes i can push through it.
sometimes i can, but i don't want to.
but then again, there's a special feeling that comes from releasing yourself from the pressure of a demand.
"i see the demand, i acknowledge it, but right now i'm letting myself not care about it."
the thing is, there will always be more demands.
there will always be more dishes to do, more laundry to fold, more books to read, more meals to cook, more cars to clean.
but my sanity is worth more than the billion little insurmountable tasks that my brain convinces me are what's stopping me from being a good person.
being able to keep up with chores does not make you a good person. being able to grocery shop and cook meals for yourself consistantly does not make you a good person.
not struggling does not make you a good person.
but, trying your best, and protecting your peace when you need to, will help you along your way to becoming the person you want to be.
screw the dishes, i'm getting pizza.
- xx
my first blog post! 10/8/25
hello y'all! i'm in the process of getting my blog up and running. this is post 1.0.
having a good day so far, hope you are too!
not much to add right now. check back later for more!